Sunday, May 31, 2015
Saturday, May 30, 2015
Friday, May 29, 2015
Thursday, May 28, 2015
Wednesday, May 27, 2015
Tuesday, May 26, 2015
Monday, May 25, 2015
Sunday, May 24, 2015
Friday, May 22, 2015
I have decided to utilize this blog to rant and rave about ALL of my personal feelings- triumphs, tragedies, aspirations, rejections- and I am going to do it unfettered, bluntly,and honestly. I tire of not having a proper RANT outlet at my disposal. Facebook I don't like because it's instantaneous and only serves to magnify my absolute disconnect with the world- i.e. I find people in general- and this mean my FB group of about 800 friends- do not really have time, energy, nor patience to help or understand my emotional plight, or believe in me enough to find their way to loving enough of what is most special to me to assist in any way but to tell me to keep on keepin' on. And that's just NOT enough. Plus, NO ONE ever reads this Blog- I mean, NO ONE- so I feel I'm safe to give life to these rantings free of condemnation- though naturally we all want someone to secretly discover this and be our savior, which is why i am still making this public- it's a catharsis I must live through, damn the consequences. Maybe it will be lead me to the palace of wisdom. And it's not that I don't appreciate the fact that people have lives and they have to live theirs and help themselves and be there for their families and other friends and really, I'm not all that important to them anyhow-which brings me to why I need this outlet to GO OFF.
Because I no longer have any close friends. I once did, in my youth, but they have all moved on. Away from me. It seems that I have become some what of a a pariah in my middle age. Not for anything I have done mind you- or seemingly so- but life has moved on. Many people I grew up with either now are married, have kids, got careers, or became the success in their respective industries that I have longed to be. None of this applies to me- I have failed miserably in life, and it chokes me up at least once a day. You see, I am a musician- a songwriter, a singer, a physical writer as well- and no one will hire me for any of this. As I see so much else celebrated and elevated, people I know getting promotions, tours, record deals, publishing deals, distribution deals, management deals, etc- it goads me no end. I am devastated. I certainly celebrate and champion those who get their chance- i am not with out love for the successful, but it also drags me down and makes me want to dose myself with a bunch of sleeping pills and be done with all of this bullshit. It is pain for me. Pure, aching pain. And really, none of my friends, no one who actually knows me- gives a shit. They just don't. I don't know if they can. Maybe they all secretly harbor this belief that I am a hack, and they don't want to say anything because they like me as a person, but not as a musician or writer, and they know it may send me into deeper isolation- which I feel has already begun. Just by the mere fact I am friends- even acquaintances- with people who have all sorts of connections- to labels, distributors, magazines, weeklies, dailies, managers, etc- NOT ONE OF THEM HAS EVER helped me in any fashion with these connections. And to me- if you had a friend who was talented and wrote a song a day and posted a video a day and authored a fanzine and wrote a book and could produce quality material constantly- clearly you would share all of this with people who could help him do this as a full time thing, as a job, as a way to bring his full self to the world. But NO. You think anybody I know does this for me? Nah. I see their posts of all their other friends and colleages who I am suppose to think are awesome, but I am always, always left out of this. Always.
I just want to die sometimes. I mean, maybe not literally, but I seem to die a figurative death each passing year. Physically I am in the greatest shape of my life, i work out non stop and love my body and love working out and it may be the one thing that has kept me off the streets and devolving into something far worse than what is already starting to bubble up inside of me. And one of the most stinging aspects to all of this is how much I comprehend how little anybody should even give a shit. We all have our ups and downs and there are no promises, and no one can save you but yourself- but this stems from way back into my early childhood. I never had a mentor or a person who took an interest in me in the way in which I took an interest in myself. I was never a good student, I got along with other kids okay, but even then I was known as odd and a bit outside of it all, with no one else to help draw me inward and tell me I was good for something, that I had something to offer the world- it never happened. I was just expected to exist. It seems the concurrent theme of my life, even now. I feel this may be why I am an iconoclast. I cannot seem to help it, it's some psychological addiction I have- no matter if I suppress it, it still comes boiling over. And I have added some bitterness and cynicism to this mix, which has triggered resentment and anger- which makes me prone to hating everything more and more and more each passing day.
So what do I do and where do i go from here??? It's not as if I am not fully loaded with projects and things to occupy my abilities. I started a 365 Demos in 365 Days project at the start of 2015, and am on song #142 presently. Which brings me to the BEST thing I have ever done for myself, by myself, for myself. I have literally been forced to be my own best friend and favorite recording star. And as the year grows on, I become more and more interested ONLY in MY music, in MY way, in MY work. I feel as though since I have been denied access to the exploitation apparatus that would elevate me to sharing this music with the world, with full support and the chance to work at this for the rest of my life and travel the world and entertain people, I am the only one left who can speak on my behalf, who can truly appreciate and understand and value the work itself. But the bitter, lonely chill of this persists, as well. I can barely bring myself to go to another rock show independent of ones I am playing because all I want to ever be is one stage, not in the audience. In light of the fact that I can't get enough gigs to do this, it seems a moot point to be out around live music and not be part of the act.
My other great solace is my band The Crazy Squeeze. But we don't do enough for my taste, either. But that's a different story. You are dealing with 4 different people, 4 different lives, 4 different time constraints, financial concerns and needs, 4 different emotional beings. We have a European Tour planned, and are presently recording a new LP. So this activity is wonderful, just fantastic. We have a very small support system- a great one I will add, of dedicated fans and labels and promoters willing to help realize our value as a really good night out. But much of it comes out of pocket and we will end up paying entirely for Europe, as we did releasing our first LP (though Wanda in Germany did a fucking amazing, superb job with the import LP- I almost cried when i saw it)- I am not saying that I don't even have a few fans of my own in to my art, I do- and I cherish each one of them so much. they know who they are, and they know how I feel about them- because they get it, they hear what I hear, and they know that I am a much better, more productive, more interesting, more effective talent and person when you receive what I am laying down. they know that I just want to share this with the world on a massive scale, always. What's mine is theirs, vice versa.
But I am also afraid it may be too late for me. I am 44. And I don't feel that is old- I don't FEEL that old, I don't even really LOOK that old (not a day over 40!)- but I feel the culture collapse around me- I can see the opportunities never available now due to this indignity of our society. I feel as though i could be writing some of the best pop songs ever and no one will take notice because of my age- as in, "well, if a 15 year old does it, it's amazing. 44? Who cares." Another emotional blow to grapple with. And I don't dwell on age. I never have- everybody who knows me knows this, they know I love being an adult, I love sharing my experiences with others- I consider it an accomplishment to have made it this far. Sadly, others do not see it this way- and my 30 years of making music more or less means nothing to anybody but me. Nor should it- but this is my life, and I'm living it, and I'm gonna fucking talk about it.
I am at a cross roads in many ways. After this year is complete- I do the next CS record, go to Europe, finish my 365 day project- I think I may make my solo record and go away entirely. Maybe do one more issue of my zine and say goodbye. Sort of slip away when no one is looking and start a new life somewhere else in the world. I don't know- I am literally just ranting off the top of my head- it reflects the emotional state I live in chronically. I just feel it has become an emotional hardship for me to continue being friends with those who cannot bring themselves to elevating me to a level of success in equal measure so we can be happy together. And the real frustration , once again, comes from the knowing that it is not their problem, nor should be- I guess I have a very difficult time processing these things. I am probably more disappointed in my inability to make any of this work for me, and even after 142 songs I would have thought somebody somewhere would hear the magic and want to exploit and promote it to the rest of the world. And it's not for lack of trying either- I not only post these songs/videos everyday, but I send them to labels and blogs and zines and the like every chance I get. Name the label and they have ALL been sent something- some of them multiple times- to no avail. No reviews, no response, nothing. LA Weekly, LA Record, Mojo, Captured Tracks, MRR, Alternative Tentacles, Subpop, Matador, Drag City, In the Red, Norton, Dirtnap, Fat Wreckords, Epitaph, Side One Dummy, Wild!, Kill Rock Stars, K Records, on and on and on- nobody gives a shit. Not ONE of these labels or magazines or any of this has ever contacted me or responded to anything. NONE. So to me it's all just pay to play. If I had money to hire somebody to talk to them maybe something would happen. Music doesn't cut it I guess. I am certain the real truth is that they would want to have nothing to do with the kind of shit I make, that's for sure. So be it. Thwarted once again. And what's most fucked up is It deters me not one bit, it just inflicts a lot of emotional pain, triggers this chronic state of rejection. I go through periods of shifting focus to make myself feel better, certainly- that is the smarter thing to do- do not keep trying to get people to love you who clearly so not love you. But every time I get excited for a new start up company- it's the same old politics over and over- put out friends, which ever one sells most, make more bands like that, follow formula, ignore just trying to sell good songs. And naturally this sound insanely insular and bitter and you can fully tell I have been wounded by all of this rejection, this hate put on me . Maybe it's an illusion, maybe it's more the callous way in which these people most likely didn't even bother to open anything I have ever sent to them my entire musical existence. I don't know, I just don't have these answers- only my rotten, battered, bruised feelings.
I still look to the day I can find a wide audience for my work. I do. I want to believe it is out there. I do have small pockets of support all over the place, and it is so humbling and heart warming. I will stick it out as long as I can for them, knowing that at least a handful of people value my work as much as I do, which in turn allows me to value all else fully, without question. The rest of the time I'm fucking pissed off.
Thursday, May 21, 2015
Monday, May 18, 2015
Saturday, May 16, 2015
Friday, May 15, 2015
Q: HOW IS YOUR NEW SINGLE "To The Lonely Ones"/"Red Rosie" DIFFERENT FROM THE DEBUT LP?
"Having an upcoming single like our new one "To The Lonely Ones"/"Red Rosie" with two different approaches and two different lead singers adds dimensions for the listener. It's like you're getting another spin of the same band. Take a look at the single for The Rolling Stones Waiting On A Friend; the B side to that was Little T&;A. Or Happy, the other side to that single was All Down The Line. Two different songs. Two different singers, same band, and a different insight into the same group. Or the entire Between the Buttons album. Each song is different. It’s like seeing all sides or getting something in 3D.
Oh and I know that someone reading this is saying 'oh so you're comparing yourself to The Rolling Stones are you?' My answer to that is 'YES, you're damn right I am!' The Rolling Stones are THEE fucking PLATINUM standard! If you're not going to stand up and aspire for that well then just take some smack an get drunk and don't worry about it because there are like thousands of other bands doing the same thing, so you'll be okay. Hopefully.