Sunday, July 5, 2015

"Burning Down Your Clubhouse"

I feel I may need to go on some sort of mood enhancing medication, like an anti depressant, or Prozac, or some sort of Meds that will even out my manic emotional episodes. They are not extreme. I am not dangerous, to myself- or others. I am aware of my issues, I control them in regards to the general populace. I am cognizant, which is a part of the struggle. I want to return to that place 20 years ago when I did NOT think about the things I do now. I used to never even give anyone's behavior a thought- I just carried on and let them be, and I just existed. Now I just seethe with rage constantly at all the little stupid things people do, and it drives me mad. I once never gave a second thought to behaviors that were invasive or obnoxious- NOW I despise them. What changed? I feel as though it is many factors colliding with one and other, forming this great divide in my mind and soul, a disconnection with the outside world that makes me cringe.

I know many people who swear by meditation or chanting as a means to therapy, to quelling the furious challenges of living in modern society- but those things only exacerbate my anger- they do not work for me- my mind races to fast, too quickly-my needs so small, I have stripped everything to such a finite spiritual core that I am near transparent in my honesty and integrity, not to mention my generosity. And  the spread out slow parade of Los Angeles- a beautiful, marvelous, unique place that has presented being the most challenging place I have ever lived- has more recently made me aware that I am not so sure I am up for the struggle any longer. It's become burdensome. I feel among my acquaintances- in any profession, be it music, film, bar tending, professional careers- are doing better than I am. I know people who have acted unbelievably horribly in life and have gotten further than I have in their given field. It baffles me. I just try to do good work, make people happy, perform and give a little piece of myself to the world- and besides the reward of accomplishing my end of that equation- I get just about nothing in return. Now I cannot rightfully claim it to be ALL non supportive. There ARE people- I could count about 20- who value and appreciate what it is I do, and I am sincerely grateful and appreciative for that support. I truly am. Those people will always be looked upon as very very special to me. However, what is most alarming and surprising is that my biggest supporters and cheerleaders are not who I'd consider close friends. Which is sort of cool, to have actual fans rallying to your side, supporting you, sharing your videos, telling others about your talent and how they should be involved, spreading the word. I am so blasted and flattered whenever anybody does it that they instantly become one of my favorite people. It's as if they understand me, who I am and what I am about. They get it. They seem to know how much of myself is in there, and they react so kindly and generously. It has made me review who my actual friends are, and made my thoughts about moving from L.A. easier. I just feel there is nothing left here for me. I have no support system here. No audience, no love. The people I have most spent my time with these past 15 years- room mates, co workers, fellow musicians- do not seem to fancy my creative output. I know this for a fact- these are people who could do me immeasurable help by maybe mentioning me to the right people, or giving my music to their connections, et al. But NAH- why do that? Then you would actually have to put yourself out there and admit to liking something maybe someone else may tell you you are a fool to support, and that may hurt your flawless record collector cred and scenester needs. It's like rats on a sinking ship- they're only gonna save themselves.

I spend so much time promoting and pontificating and generally supporting other musicians I guess I just assumed I would get that in return from my fellow musicians and friends. How foolish of me. No. And how have I come to this bitter, sorrowful conclusion?? Just look at your social media accounts- and see who shares and acknowledges your work against the stuff they share and acknowledge from their other friends- and when there is CLEARLY an imbalance- in my case, a ZERO to, say, 10 ratio- it not only boggles, but actually hurts me. I sound so sensitive and needy right now, but it's true- I am hurt daily by these people. And I know they do not realize this- they are just being themselves and living their lives, and naturally, should NOT be aware of this- because it is my reactive mind, not theirs, struggling with these issues. Regardless, it does really fucking hurt me- I get choked up with so much of it. And I HATE myself for that. I do. It's nobody's concern but mine, but alas- it is MY life, and my emotional state, so there you have it.

I do understand that some of my problem stems from lack of group think- I just cannot fall into neat little social expectations like most can. All of these record labels I have sent multiple things to, labels I have enjoyed and supported over the years- Sub Pop, In the Red, Norton, Captured Tracks, K records, Kill Rock Stars, et al- want nothing to do with me (apparently, no one has even the decency to say no to you, they just ignore you. I could set myself on fire and they'd let me burn)- not to mention the rags who claim to support indie artists- LA Record, MRR, The Big Takeover, etc- who will NEVER write about me or my work, or unless I pay money for an ad- oh, yeah, THEN they'll write me a glowing review (one only has to take any 6 issues of these things to see the clear patterns, those passive aggressive moves such as these can never be fully verified, that is why people use passive aggressive modes of think- to get away with lousy moral policies). I know I am a ranting lunatic right now, I am- but also born from my real experiences, so it's more truth shouting than anything. They say you attract more bees with honey that vinegar- but, in truth, I am allergic to bees, and one sting could actually kill me. Ponder than for a minute.

I don't want the requirement of people to be that they MUST like and support my music in order to be my friend- that may be too absurd a demand on anyone, but since my music is so important and integral to my everyday life, it does seem to be something that I now value in meeting new people- which I am very reluctant to do these days since it would just come with more of the same bullshit- they'll take the time to talk to me, gather some perspective or emotional support or a few great ideas, and then fuck off on everything else. So my thought process presently seems to be for me to pry myself away from those individuals- no matter how close they are to me- so that I can reconnect with the better parts of myself, and find people to surround myself with who will actually be invested in my music, helping me further my goals, and give me solid constructive criticism that will make me be a better songwriter and person, period. And the "You should..." variety of advice I will ignore- that's just more ego shit from the person saying "You should..."- anyone who leads with that line of talk puts their ego dreams before yours, approach with caution. Constructive criticism is when the other person firstly acknowledges the worth and value of what they are criticizing- like, "Oh man, this cake is delicious! Maybe we should put some strawberry frosting on it to enhances it's natural brilliance." You see- THAT is how it's done. Basically, the only advice I ever seem to get is of a more hopeless, less engaged variety- the sort of non committal suggestions that imply I am not worthy enough of the time it would take for a "real" analysis. You also know your worth when those around you- musicians, promoters, business owners, NEVER look to you, they are always backing up somebody else, promoting somebody else, or acknowledging somebody else. And many times, to your face- as if you have never spoken to them about your own plight and needs in this situation. It's fucking hurtful I tell you. Once again, like they fucking care, or should. Not their problem, totally mine.

Yet, since it is my burden to bare, I no longer want to engage. It's a waste of time. I don't want to talk to these people at great length anymore, about anything. They have their support systems and clearly don't want me as a part of them, so I believe I am going to begin a new journey, try to find a better place for myself, be somewhere around some people that will truly like me for who I am 100%. I feel right now I have a lot of people around me who are 40%, or 20% or 60% a friend- but have commitment issues when the rubber hits the road. I need more 100 percenters in my life.

SONG #186 of 365 Demos In 365 Days, July 5th, 2015: FRANKIE DELMANE- Leather & Lust